Grammar
by Lairelosse
Summary: A series of one-shots in which Sherlock is his usual exasperating self - or maybe more so than usual - and overcome with ennui. Since he's bored, he corrects everyone's grammar, and John has to try his best to prevent Sherlock from doing so. Suggestions for further chapters are more than welcome.
1. How To Use Apostrophes

**How To Use Apostrophes, Among Other Things.**

* * *

'What's the matter?' asked John, looking up from the newspaper.

'Read this atrocious email that I've just received.' Sherlock thrust his laptop at John.

It read: _Thanks Mr Holmes! Your the best! Noone else could of done it. It's fur still hasn't grown yet, not since that horrible man shaved it all off, but were both so grateful. Regards, Gwendolyn Mills._

John chuckled. 'What's this about?'

'It's just some silly woman thanking me for the recovery of her lost poodle. All I said to her was that her ex-husband had probably taken it, which she could have easily figured out herself, if only she had thought about it,' Sherlock stated disdainfully.

'And are you going to reply?'

'Yes,' answered Sherlock, with an unusual expression on his face that John failed to observe.

'All right then, I'll leave you to it,' said John, rapidly losing interest in the subject, and immersing himself in the newspaper once again.

* * *

_Mrs Mills,_

_ It was but a trifling matter, and the answer was glaringly obvious from the start. You could have (Note: 'could have', and not 'could of') figured it out yourself, if you had used your brains to think about it._

_ It is true that I am the best consulting detective in the world. There is no one else like me. By the way, the words 'no one' are two separate words, and you mean 'you're', not 'your'. The word 'your' is a possessive determiner, whereas 'you're' is a contracted form of the words 'you are'._

_ I hardly expected your poodle's fur to grow so rapidly, as it had been shaved off merely two days ago. Your usage of 'it's' is also entirely incorrect, because 'it's' is a contraction of 'it is'. This is a common and extremely annoying mistake, but that is no excuse for making it. Besides that, you have omitted the apostrophe in 'we're'._

_ Sherlock Holmes._

* * *

'Done,' Sherlock informed John, a mere five minutes later.

'Done what?' queried John half-heartedly, for he was engrossed in an article about the recent increase in Scotland Yard's success rate (thanks to Sherlock and John, obviously).

'I've typed out the reply to Mrs Mills.'

That caught John's attention. He narrowed his eyes. 'And what did you say?' he asked, as he got off the sofa and headed to the table. He read through what Sherlock had typed out, widened his eyes in horror, and quickly deleted it.

'Sherlock!' he exclaimed. 'You can't say things like that!'

Sherlock, who had watched John delete his reply without betraying any emotion, calmly asked: 'You are aware of the fact that I remember every word in that email, and that I can simply retype it, aren't you?'

'That's not the point! You can't go around showing off and being clever all the time. It's irritating.'

'I'm just trying to teach her proper English,' protested Sherlock. 'Isn't that a good thing?'

'Yeah, well, if I know of anyone who actually wants English lessons, or any sort of lessons at all, I'll refer them to you,' was John's sarcastic response. 'Of course, that's only if I'm able to find anyone who can last ten minutes without hitting you.'

'You've lasted more than ten minutes,' Sherlock pointed out.

'That's because I've got a lot of self-control, and I'm insane. I must be, to live with you every day.'

The both of them grinned, as they realised the truth of that statement.

* * *

A/N: I got the inspiration for this collection of stories from the beginning of the episode 'The Great Game', in which Sherlock Holmes was being his usual annoying self, caring more about grammar than the fact that Mr Bewick would be hanged for the crime that he had committed. I must admit that I am a bit of a Grammar Nazi myself, though I really have no right to be one, as my own knowledge of grammar is rather shaky. Anyway, this is the first Sherlock fanfic that I've published, so do forgive me if it's horrible! Thank you so much for actually taking the time to read it.


	2. The Incorrect Usage of 'Of'

**The Incorrect Usage of 'Of'**

* * *

'What are you doing?' enquired Sherlock as he strode into the living room, clad in his blue dressing gown.

'Reading the comments on my blog,' John responded, without looking up from his laptop.

Sherlock walked over to where John was sitting and looked over John's shoulder. There were 20 comments on John's latest post, which described how he had punched Sherlock in the face. There were a few from Mike Stamford, Harry, and also a couple of anonymous ones, all expressing their approval of what John had done. One of the anonymous messages read: 'I would of done the same thing, if I'd been in ur shoes!'

'Would _have_,' Sherlock growled. In one swift movement, he grabbed John's laptop and started typing out a particularly nasty comment in reply.

'No! Sherlock! Give it back,' demanded John, who knew perfectly well what Sherlock was going to do.

'The existence of that human is a crime against the English language, and I'm going to tell him so,' stated Sherlock, as his fingers flew over the keyboard, typing out insults at a furious rate. 'And I wouldn't let him punch me in the face. I only allowed you to punch me because it was necessary, and there was no one else to do it.'

'No, you aren't going to tell him anything of the sort,' said John firmly, as he snatched his laptop back. 'You can't do things like that. You should go get some tea,' he continued, pacifically.

'A cup would be nice, thanks.'

'You can go and make your own tea!' John replied indignantly.

* * *

A/N: I'm sorry about the length of this one. It's rather short, I know. I promise to write more for the next chapter!


	3. Double Negatives, and Pronouns

**Double Negatives, and Pronouns.**

* * *

Sherlock looked intently at the man standing before him in the pub. The man clearly did not like being the object of Sherlock's keen scrutiny, and began to protest his innocence.

'I'm not lying to nobody! I—'

'Of course you aren't lying to nobody. You're evidently lying to us,' broke in Sherlock.

The man looked confused.

'Double negatives. Two negative elements cancel each other out to form a positive statement,' explained Sherlock.

The man was even more befuddled by that, but he continued his protestations. 'I'm not lying! I didn't push no one off a cliff!'

Sherlock rolled his eyes. Some people would never learn.

'It was someone else did it. It was probably him that did it,' muttered the man darkly.

'He did it,' interjected Sherlock.

'You know who did it?' enquired Lestrade.

'Yes.' Turning to the man, Sherlock informed him: 'You should use the subjective pronoun "he", not the objective pronoun "him".'

'Sherlock, this really isn't the time for English lessons,' chided John.

'Yeah,' agreed Lestrade, darting a glare at Sherlock, which Sherlock ignored. 'Go on,' Lestrade urged the man.

'It was dark that night. It was about 12 a.m., and—'

'12 midnight. There's no such thing as 12 a.m. or 12 p.m.'

'Sherlock!' exclaimed John and Lestrade in unison. Sherlock remained unperturbed.

'Fine, 12 _midnight_,' the man went on. 'And I was out for a walk, to clear me head—'

'My head.'

The man looked daggers at Sherlock. '_My_ head. And then I saw these two fellas, Mitch, and the other guy, him what pushed Mitch off the cliff—'

This time, Lestrade hurriedly cut in before Sherlock could correct the man again. 'And this other man – who was he? What was his name?'

The man lowered his voice dramatically. 'It was Hubie.'

'His full name,' requested John.

'Hubert Franks,' answered the man.

'That's a lie.'

The man glowered at Sherlock. 'What do you mean it's a lie, mister? Who do you think you are? You can't boss people around just because you're the police!'

'There were only two people on the cliff that night – you, and Mitchell. That much was obvious from the footprints in the mud. You should at least try to obliterate your tracks after committing a crime. There was also a cigarette butt that had been trampled into the ground. It was of the same make as the one that you are smoking now. You evidently stood on the cliff for a few more minutes after shoving Mitchell, smoking to calm yourself down. Mitchell was drunk – anyone with eyes could have told as much from the unsteady path traced by his footprints. You took advantage of that moment and pushed him off the cliff.' Sherlock delivered these lines with a rapidity that left them all breathless and amazed.

Then he continued, 'And I'm not a policeman. I'm a consulting detective, and I help him' – he gestured at Lestrade – 'whenever he needs me to. Notice how I've used subjective and objective pronouns in that sentence.'

With that, Sherlock turned on his heel and left the pub, leaving Lestrade to slap handcuffs on the baffled man.

'How did he— I didn't do it!' blustered the man, as he was led to the police car that was waiting outside. He shouted at Sherlock: 'I'll get even with you for this! I ain't never gonna forget it!'

Sherlock turned back to face the man. 'I will never forget it.' Then Sherlock continued on his way, with John by his side, leaving the man infuriated and upset, but also with a few more grains of knowledge about grammar.

* * *

A/N: This story is for Danara, who requested that I write one about the usage of 'he' and 'I' vs. 'him' and 'me'. I'm afraid that I have only managed to cover 'he' and 'him'! I'm sorry. I hope that's okay!


	4. Who, Whom, I, Me

**Who, Whom, I, Me.**

* * *

'We've been invited to a party,' announced John.

'Who?' enquired Sherlock.

'You and me, obviously.'

'You and I,' Sherlock corrected John instantly. John frowned, and was just about to make a cutting retort when Sherlock continued, 'And no, I meant to ask whose party it is, not who's invited to the party.'

'It's Molly's party,' John answered shortly, for he was annoyed with Sherlock. No one could possibly get used to Sherlock's hubristic way of imparting knowledge; no, not even patient and sensible John.

'I'll go if I have nothing more interesting to attend to.'

'What sort of a reply is that? You're just supposed to answer "yes" or "no".'

'Is that what people usually do?'

'This may come as a surprise to you, but yeah, that's what they do!' replied an exasperated John, as he sat down on the sofa. Then he caught sight of an umbrella that had been left next to the door. 'Who does that belong—'

'Whom, not who,' interrupted Sherlock. 'You need to learn to distinguish the object from the subject. The umbrella is probably Mycroft's. Where are you going?' Sherlock asked in surprise, as John stood up abruptly and headed out of the living room.

'Out. Anywhere; away from here.'

'Is it because of something I said?'

'I'll let _you_ answer that, since you're the genius.' With that Parthian shot, John stormed out of 221B, Baker Street, leaving Sherlock to mull over the matter.

* * *

A/N: I've always been puzzled by the pronouns 'who and 'whom', and I must admit that I'm still rather unsure about this sometimes. But I'm learning. Danara, I wrote about the usage of 'I' vs. 'me' in this story. I hope that that's what you wanted!


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